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One of the emails I recieved......Also saw the movie and wrote in response ....
I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE
TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS
MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.
It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a
lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced
women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars
but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some
extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting
kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has
that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that
you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three
machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave
after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his
back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie
more than makes up for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but
almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors
put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless
someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf
I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE
TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS
MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.
It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a
lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced
women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars
but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some
extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting
kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has
that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that
you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three
machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave
after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his
back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie
more than makes up for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but
almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors
put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless
someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf
In the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, King Leonidas and 300 Spartans
fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army.
Facing insurmountable odds, their valor and sacrifice inspire all of
Greece to unite against their Persian enemy, drawing a line in the sand
for democracy. Click here to see more movie stills....
fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army.
Facing insurmountable odds, their valor and sacrifice inspire all of
Greece to unite against their Persian enemy, drawing a line in the sand
for democracy. Click here to see more movie stills....
I just saw 300 and all I have to say is Thinspolisousness Deluxe!! The
movie is
Based on the epic graphic novel by Frank Miller, 300 is a ferocious
retelling of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae in which King Leonidas
(Gerard Butler) and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes
and his massive Persian army. Facing insurmountable odds, their valor
and sacrifice inspire all of Greece to unite against their Persian enemy,
drawing a line in the sand for democracy. The film brings Miller's (Sin
City) acclaimed graphic novel to life by combining live action with
virtual backgrounds that capture his distinct vision of this ancient
historic tale. The actors are gorgeous and the bodies well let me just
say... perfect. If you love your thinspo, this is a movie for you.
movie is
Based on the epic graphic novel by Frank Miller, 300 is a ferocious
retelling of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae in which King Leonidas
(Gerard Butler) and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes
and his massive Persian army. Facing insurmountable odds, their valor
and sacrifice inspire all of Greece to unite against their Persian enemy,
drawing a line in the sand for democracy. The film brings Miller's (Sin
City) acclaimed graphic novel to life by combining live action with
virtual backgrounds that capture his distinct vision of this ancient
historic tale. The actors are gorgeous and the bodies well let me just
say... perfect. If you love your thinspo, this is a movie for you.
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